quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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