guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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