my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
