I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
