I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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