I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
