Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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