I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
