I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
