Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
either way he was missing a nipple.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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