I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
