Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
