i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
