i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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