it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
