I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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