They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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