You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
