So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
