the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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