My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
