Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I cockslap morals
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
