I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Randomize
