NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
