Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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