This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
