my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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