I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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