four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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