Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
