Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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