I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
