Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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