I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
