so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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