I have demons in me.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
