I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
