Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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