Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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