After last night, I could never be a politician.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
