Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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