Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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