I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
