I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
