Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
