I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
