Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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