Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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