Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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