Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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